Just One Look...

All it took was one, just one glance of my eyes off my laptop screen to my daughter's face to tell that despite the smile, that all was 'not well'.  I honestly didn't even have the energy to ask and for those who have never lived with a bipolar child who is now a 'mini-adult' that will sound bad but I seriously didn't even want to know.  I could have predicted almost scripted even the words that poured from her mouth from "Hey..I'm back...so guess who was there.." down into the vortex that my daughter continues to plunge herself into despite the best of medicines, the best of doctors, the best of intentions..despite it all.  Somehow the conversation went from how horrible it was to have gone out with this friend to it being my fault because I've encouraged her to 'get out'..and this is something all parents learn, but particulary parents of bipolar children - it is ALWAYS your fault, particularly if you are the Mom.  You won't just hear it from your child, you will hear it from your spouse, your family, your siblings and an amazing other array of people who have never faced this disorder day in and day out and had it beat the h*ll out of you and your kid.  So now after 1 hour of quiet I have retreated to my room to preserve what little sanity I have left as it ended with my daughter yelling at me, my husband yelling at us both (poor man, we were interrupting his video game he was playing)..and me..alone...again...as always.  I did tell my daughter I loved her and she had de-escalated from her bipolar rage but I know the 'victim tapes' and 'I hate myself tapes' are playing in her head.  She is the only one with the power to stop them.  I can't make her want to get help, I can't make her do anything.  I love her with every fiber of my being even when I am at my limit as I am now.  I'm sure this post doesn't sound this way to you, but I do.  I'd take bipolar from her in a heartbeat.  However I can't. Now I'm back here..on a computer..using a blog as my journal..by myself..alone..with on one to share the burden.